‘I think I’ll never be able to get over her. She wasn’t perfect, Roosh. But she was mine. I miss her sarcastic comments. That small smirk on her face when she got jealous. It’s like–’
‘Are you serious, Sayyam? Arghh! I can’t believe you fall right into it every time. I’ve known you for past four years. It’s about to be a year since you broke up with her. As your best friend, I must tell you; you’re way past the grieving period. Go out and explore. I beeggg you!’
‘But you’re being so insensitive! At least hear me–’
‘What’s there to listen? I’ve known every damn story. If talking helped, you would be feeling better by now. Try to understand my point.’
‘I’m getting late for work. Bye.’
He wasn’t in a state to understand. Or maybe all this venting out felt far safer than trying a new relationship. I wanted to help him, but he didn’t want to heal it. Sometimes it feels better to stay with the wound than to do something about it. According to some of the research I did, usually, it takes almost the half the time of the relationship, to recover after the breakup.
It got me thinking.
‘What are the alternative ways which help in dealing with a break-up?’
Here’s what I found.
1. Closure and Grief
It’s hard to let go of someone we shared memories with. It can be as short as a six-month relationship or may even be a six-year thing. The time you spent with them haunts you like a ghost no matter where you go. Every person takes their own time to grieve about it. On the other hand, those who don’t understand the sudden change of events or the reason for their break-up might feel devastated than ever. Roaming in the dark doesn’t feel right, and we all look for that closure. Just a single reason is enough to help us move on.
I didn’t get the reason up until recently for my break up after high school. Everybody told me the guy is a jerk but I didn’t believe it. What’s more was when he came back into my life after almost two years, trying to be friends. Initially, I didn’t allow, but with time, I learned my lesson. He was just looking for a casual thing with me when we started off long ago.
For those who seek reasons, it comes with time. Maybe few years ago I wouldn’t have been in a position to handle the truth, but when I realized it later, it did fit into my jigsaw perfectly.
So, relax and let it come to you, whatever the truth be.
2. Party
Sometimes allowing it out of your system is all you need. After you’re tired or done being sad about it, it’s time to celebrate the victory! This reminds me of the song ‘Brave’ by Sara Bareilles. Go out and have fun for you have finally gotten out of a phase in your life and welcome the new chapters with drinks and dance. If partying isn’t what you’re fond of, listening to some new songs and creating a fresh playlist while on your way to work can be a change for good.
3. Shopping, Salon, and Spa
Buying something you had your eyes on for a long time can be one way to go about it. Be sure not to go overboard. A shift in your wardrobe sends good vibes. A relaxing spa or a new hairstyle might also add to those vibes.
I had to do something about this constant chat going on in my head. I could feel his fingers running down my hair last time we met. He’s nowhere to be seen. I didn’t know what went wrong, but I was sure my hair needed a bit of ‘change.’ So, I dyed them partially red and went for bangs which turned out to be a very bold look for my convocation.
You don’t have to go all bonkers with your looks if you’re scared. Just a Hair spa with a rejuvenating Swedish massage would also do!
4. Releasing the Old
It’s one thing to donate everything related to your ex. Yes, I’m talking about that Burberry perfume he gave you to make up for his mistake or that tie she gave you like good luck for your interview. Letting go of the memories also include discarding the stuff. It’s not easy. There are things that no matter how much we try, are too precious to give away. Worry not, for there’s an alternative to that also! Using tools like EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) and NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), you can remove the anchors attached to that thing for future use without having to get all depressed about it. Eliminating anchors will help you to stop associating that particular gift or item to your ex, thereby making it fit to use. I too wasn’t ready to give up my D&G perfume or Zara shoes. Guilty!
5. Routine
This step is very similar to buying something new and creating positive vibrations all around you. Adding a new activity to your routine helps. Especially, after all the partying, you might need a bit of detox. A morning jog is a good start to have in this direction. Nevertheless, enrolling for a dance class or something that you’ve always wanted to do gives a boost to your self-confidence. I say, ‘Time to take your power back, people!’
6. Dealing with Stacked Anger
We all have layers of emotions attached to a particular situation. It’s a part of our being. Rather than avoiding or suppressing those, find a productive way to deal with it. One such core emotion is anger. Joining a gym might help you take it out in a manner that helps you keep in shape. But, it’s not necessary to go to a gym if you don’t feel like.
After her break-up, my sister Dany, as clueless as she was as to why exactly it happened, didn’t know a way to deal with it. So, one day she picked up her watercolours and started to paint. In less than a month, she had five painted canvases and a magnificent tree painted on her wall. She felt light and happy.
You can sing, dance, take part in theatre, paint, or might just get a few plants to take care of every day. Gardening helps you stay grounded. You can also choose to create anything new, like making pots out of the mud. Writing a journal or starting a fashion blog will help in ways you cannot possibly imagine. Don’t be upset if you think you don’t know anything; it can be as simple as playing badminton. Being creative helps your body release the stacked emotions, especially anger.
Who’s up for a quick game of Ludo?
7. EFT
Emotional Freedom Technique is a combination of ancient Chinese technique and modern psychology. It helps in releasing your emotions, thereby breaking your old patterns sourced from the subconscious mind. Seeking a professional’s help to learn and apply this method is advisable. But other than that, consulting a psychologist might also help you to understand and let go. Forgiving someone isn’t essential but healing yourself so that the stuck energy doesn’t create any ruckus in your life is critical.
8. No Jumping
Apart from all the significant changes in your life from the previous steps, it is highly recommended that you don’t jump into another relationship too soon. How long will that be is for you to decide. Give yourself time to heal and recover from a break-up, at least a year before going into another one. Casual sex and flings are all okay but don’t go head over heels for someone right after your break up, as you might not be entirely over it and end up damaging the new one too.
Our body and mind both need time to adjust to change in our lives. It’s also not fair to the new person as they aren’t aware that you’re totally into it or not. Take time for yourself. You are important!
9. LIVE
Just because they left you doesn’t mean life’s over. There are so many things perhaps that you couldn’t do while you’re with them may be because they didn’t think it mattered to you. So start with a list of all those things and go ahead. Be it a trip to Bali with your friends or as small as that paintball game you so wanted to go for, life’s not over.
All these will help you of done I moderate amounts. Power is always in your hand. It’s up to you to decide who’s worth it and who’s not. But most importantly, choosing to live opens more doors than to not do anything about it.
Breathe.
Head straight up in the sky.
Live.
