When one talks about ways to deal with anger, we hear words like anger management, controlling emotions etc. Anger is a basic human emotion, just like joy and sorrow that we express in various ways. Picture this…
Kashish threw the champagne bottle in the air, missing Anya’s head with a few inches.
‘HOW COULD YOU?!!!!?’
Before Anya could move even a bit, Kashish threw another glass bottle towards her, and she successfully dodged it too. But what she couldn’t anticipate was the slap she got on her right cheek from her girlfriend, Kash, as soon as she gathered her dress and started to stand back.
‘Babe? What’s wrong with you? Listen to me, please? I wanted to tell you bu..t..’
Anya couldn’t finish that sentence as another slap followed. This time, she decided to take charge and caught hold of both her wrists in one hand.
‘You need to listen.. please sit and talk like adults.’ Her sobs were loud. Enough to compel the neighbors to knock on their door.
*
He tightened his grip on the handles of his chair. Avoiding any scene in the office, Kanan forced a smile on his face so that Tushar would leave immediately. But to his surprise, some people were determined to get action from him.
‘I think it’s in the best interest of the company if we continue with this project. After all, every big success requires some compromise. I’ll talk to the team tomorrow. Will keep you posted.’ Tushar picked up the folders and turned around to leave.
‘WAIT.’
‘Yes? Kanan? Do you have any objections?’
‘I need to consult with higher authorities. Will get back to you as soon as possible. Don’t talk to the team till then.’ Kanan sipped water to calm his nerves down as soon as the new investment supervisor left.
‘What does he think of himself? He’s here on a temporary basis. I’ve given five years of my life to this company. He thinks he can just swoop in and make a few changes to help the company recover from debt. It’s not that simple..Arrrgghh..!’ He tried to stomp his foot on the floor but scared anyone might hear him, he quietly snuck back into his chair.
*
Anger is the most basic human emotion. We tend to become angry mostly when things aren’t going our way. When we express it by throwing things or screaming or in any other direct way, it’s called ‘Aggressive’ form of anger. But, when we don’t express it directly onto someone, or avoid confronting it in any form, even avoiding to acknowledge that we’re angry, it’s known as ‘Passive Aggressive.’
There are many statements associated with the cause of this emotion in each.
‘This is not fair! Pure injustice!’
‘I’m feeling small, or powerless..’
‘I feel lack of money/love…’
‘I feel responsible for this. I should’ve known…I should’ve seen this coming..’
Such feelings, over the time, sow the seeds for anger and build a response by our learnings. For example, if a person as a child, has learned to stay away from situations causing chaos and fights, they would typically won’t bring themselves into the position of confrontation when they’re angry. They’d instead prefer to leave the room and move outside. Avoiding to acknowledge the emotion, only makes it worse as it’s still present in our bodies.
As Karla McLaren says in her book ‘The language of emotions: What your feelings are trying to tell you’ (2010), has stated that Anger comes up when your boundaries are violated. According to her, it’s the best emotion to work with, if you know how to. When we throw anger on other people, it becomes unhealthy for ourselves as well as the society. But, when we work with it and use it for the gifts it provides us, it is healthy.
For example, whenever we see ourselves in danger or someone else in danger, anger is the most potent emotion that pushes us to take action for the safety and restoring the boundaries.
Similarly, a few techniques help us work with this anger and improve our level of awareness concerning the existence of anger in ourselves. Just like different weekdays, one can try these ways each day to help deal with such an intense emotion, which is otherwise perceived as negative.
1. Meditation
Snack meditations, tiny meditations or several techniques of deep breathing can help you stay in your body and experience the emotion entirely. It doesn’t have to be a separate work. Giving some time to yourself every day is what brings peace too. It’s just like having a vacation. Closing your eyes every morning, for, say, five or ten minutes, traveling within.
Each person has their idea of meditation. Some feel it’s a task as they’re too restless to sit down quietly at one place. It’s okay to be like that. You can play some calming music to help you stay centered and work alongside. Music is a potent tool that reaches beyond our conscious level. For some others, meditation means chanting ‘Om’ several times. That’s also fine. In this way, you’re creating your music and focusing on that while you breathe.
2. Staying with the emotion
I was getting a head massage by my sister when suddenly, my father entered the room. It genuinely pisses me off every time he tries to be all preachy about life and wants me to work according to his ideas and philosophies about life. I get it. He has experience. He’s seen things. But, it’s my journey, and I have to do it by myself.
‘You know you should apply for that job I told you. As it is, you aren’t doing anything with your life. Such a waste.’ Those words from his mouth came like daggers to my heart. I wish I could reverse them or shush them out. But it was too late. For the first time, I didn’t react. I tried something else.
I closed my eyes, (while the head massage was still going on) and tried to feel this anger in me. I asked myself, ‘If this anger was somewhere in my body, where would it be?’ I felt something in my stomach. ‘If it could speak, what would it say?’ I heard my voice screaming different answers back to my father. I chose to stay with these voices. Listen to them completely. Being there for myself. After almost 6-7 minutes, I didn’t feel it. Nothing.
When I opened my eyes, I was more relaxed than before.
Once you’re able to locate it and are aware of its presence in your being, it doesn’t take much time for the emotion to evaporate like thin air.
3. Embracing what you have
‘Count your blessings.’ If we look around right now, there can be many things, tiny or big that we’re grateful for. But, due to this constant chattering from the mind, we fail to acknowledge how much love we’re surrounded with. Take some time and pen down all the things you’re glad you have, or you’ve done, either for yourself or others.
Writing about things that you know but haven’t thought about, acknowledges their presence in your life. Learning to embrace what you have shifts your focus from the bad to the good in life.
This activity helps in making ourselves aware of the fact that we’ve done something right in our lives and that it’s not all a waste. When you feel, ‘I’m not good enough,’ with time, certain anger pries upon the surface, and before you know it, you’re bursting on to someone else. Knowing that you have enough or you are enough, makes it easier to handle anger when it’s coming from ‘I’m not good enough’ feeling.
4. EFT
Stuck emotions create a negative energy in not only our beings but also in our lives. Letting go of the control eases out a lot of things when you’re finally able to see those visible changes and feel them with an open heart. EFT or Emotional Freedom Technique helps you release this piled anger and let the new chapters begin. Anger isn’t something to be controlled or thrown at someone else, it is to be used for our benefit in ways we possibly cannot imagine with a redundant closed mindset.
This technique works by tapping on certain points on our bodies and using statements along, to help release the emotion. You can approach an EFT practitioner to guide you for the same. You can also know more by clicking here.
5. Watch
When you feel angry, look what’s happening around you. Why do you feel this anger? Ask yourself. What’s the reason you’re feeling it? Is it because the other person wants you to be angry?
Being aware of the things around and also that is happening inside you, as a response starts the healing process on its own. Sometimes, all you need is to be open. Look through the eyes of someone else in the situation, can also make you angry since you’re relating yourself to them. Have a non-bias view. How would you respond if two people are fighting on the road, whom you don’t know? You wouldn’t want to barge into something you have no clue about. Similarly, if you have no idea why is it that you’re getting angry, it’s better to watch only.
There are issues which bother us, and then there are things which don’t worry us. Each has their perception of life, and accordingly, they attract situations. When we get angry, it’s for those reasons that continuously bother us and has reached a point beyond our control. Which is why we explode. You either want to walk off, avoiding to have to talk about it or you act in a certain way, which you regret later.
Healing those issues helps in using this anger for our good.
Stay.
Breathe.
Watch.
