It was my threshold of adolescence, when I started to find new meanings, new definitions for what I observe…what I experience. It was her, so rude to my eyelashes, helping me feel the change. Well I believe that was not the change…it was something never felt before….it was different. I liked her eyes….her apparels…her whispers. Always wanted to listen to them but something always stopped me to dare to think to approach. I used to hear her….observe her…..often think about her, do all I could actually. I was choosy about people I liked and I knew I liked her. I called it attraction.
It was psychology, the subject, which gave me (in fact I was still to discover it was ‘us’) the opportunity to explore the chemistry…the difference. Thinking about what all I could say, trying to interpret the same in trillion ways and with a risk of actually figuring out where I could be misunderstood. Never wondered how beautiful it is to agree to something you don’t know, to someone you wish to know. Moments which seemed like clusters of seconds…were worth cherishing, things I thought were simply things…felt special now; cautious and caring I thought was someone…was me. An Ice cream never melted this way before. I could feel the warmth. I could feel that she felt. I was cherishing the change…loving That something which was still stopping me for something. Now I liked what she liked, meaning of which I was still to realize. I called it attraction, which am sure was still there.
It was a chilly winter morning, clock’s hands at 1800, somewhere on the stretched to eternity street, through the fog, I could see her. Believing that she could only listen to me.. confessed. May be she thought I couldn’t listen to her…she hugged. No words found place to express. Now I called it Love, not sure about attraction being still there or not. She expected, I expected (may be a little too much). And now I had to like what I don’t like, the meaning of which I discovered now. Around were the feeling of guilt, obligation, accountability…overshadowing the difference. Wonder where that difference vanished or was it different from what I perceived it to be. Wrong enough was I to call that as attraction and this as love, attraction was too small a word there and love is too vague a word here.
It took me 16 months to realize “Love is only…till you confess”.
-Raghunandan Sarraf
